For HSPs: Change Your State; NOT Your Trait!

Well, here it is...

In my humble opinion, this is the absolute number one most important thing that a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) must learn in order to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Live a Life that Matters. That truly is what we all want, isn't it? That's why it is the tagline for Nurture U Life Coaching. It is also the impetus for all I am doing for myself as an HSP and coaching my clients to do as well.
Here it is folks...
CHANGE YOUR STATE; NOT YOUR TRAIT.

Wow, it feels so good to be putting this message out there for you and for all who know, love, work with, and/or parent anyone who is a Highly Sensitive Person. We HSPs are an awesome group that often gets a bad rap. Why? Simply put, because we are in the minority. That's right, HSPs make up only 15-20% of the population. Needless to say, since 80% of the population is made up of non-HSPs, you better believe that society is not set up for us to thrive. But that's ok. That's our responsibility to see that we do. And never fear, we CAN go from feeling like we are just (or sometimes barely) surviving to empowered and thriving by changing our state; not our trait.

So, what exactly is a trait? A trait is an inherited quality that we are born with. It is not something that develops as a result of trauma, poor parenting, lack of discipline, or even by choice. In the case of high sensitivity, it is not a disorder and certainly not something that we need to get over or get rid of (in spite of what you yourself may have thought and likely what you've also been told). You can't submit high sensitivity to any kind of treatment to eradicate it. It is what it is. The idea is to acknowledge, accept, accommodate, and accentuate the trait by learning the tips, tools, and techniques for our sensitive nervous systems to function at our optimal level. That's where changing your state comes in.

What is meant by "change your state?" To paraphrase Merriam - Webster online, the definition of "state" is a mode or condition of mind and/or being. As this clearly implies, a state is merely a temporary quality of existence. Your state can be managed and changed for the better. That is where the power of choice comes in. That is what it means to learn to be more responsive and less reactive. In other words, here's the opportunity for continued growth and development if we make the decision to view our challenges in this matter. Otherwise, we fall prey to the victim mentality and that leaves us helpless, hopeless, and stuck. I don't know about you, but I will take on the work of change rather than wallow in the mire every time!

It's easy to see how if highly sensitive people do not know how to balance their nervous systems for optimal functioning that they get stuck. It's also easy to see how if someone doesn't accept that he or she is an HSP that the person will not practice the tools to stay grounded and centered as the priority they need to be even if that person knows helpful techniques. But get a load of this: Denial of the trait can actually trigger people to go in the polar opposite direction and swing into an even higher, more destructive driven mode and leave the strategies of healthy self-care in the dust. Now why would someone ever do that? Why would someone get stuck, stay stuck, and go even deeper into the muck?

As is so often the case in life, the answer is simple but certainly not easy: low self-esteem. How does that apply to being a Highly Sensitive Person? Unfortunately, low self-esteem can run rampant in the lives of HSPs and dare I say that I'd venture to guess that the higher you score on the HSP scale, the more that might be an issue. But why?

Why are HSPs prone to low self-esteem?
In the words of Dr. Elaine Aron on page 147 of the 25th Anniversary Edition of her groundbreaking book The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, "HSPs are prone to low self-esteem because they are not their culture's ideal." Ouch...truth hurts, but it doesn't have to. As I said before, an HSP needs to acknowledge, accept, accommodate, and accentuate the trait of high sensitivity. How? Back to the beginning...

Change your state; NOT your trait.
Learn what it takes to balance your unique nervous system to be more calm, confident, and connected. Practice healthy self-care. Make rest, relaxation, and the right amount to sleep for you a top priority. Eat a healthy diet that includes plenty of colorful, fresh fruits and vegetables. Get consistent daily moderate exercise that is the right amount and type for your body. Figure out what brings a smile to your face and find a way to bring more of that into your days. By learning to do these things, and perhaps more importantly giving yourself the permission to do so, you will in effect be changing your state to enhance your trait. Given the right conditions (AKA state of mind, body, and spirit) your sensitivity can be transformed from what you (and most likely others) mistakenly considered a liability into the asset that it actually is. After awhile, you, like me, might come to know and embrace that your sensitivity is actually your Superpower!

That is the vision I continue to hold for myself and for all HSPs. I've said it before and I'll say it again that it is my passion, purpose, and privilege to help Highly Sensitive Women to learn to do this and more. If I can be of help or support to you on your journey of wholeness, please contact me. In fact, we can schedule a complimentary phone consultation to begin to experience and explore how Nurture U Life Coaching could benefit you. In the meantime, hang in there and just decide right here right now to be willing to accept that your sensitivity is a gift. Trust me. I know from experience. That decision alone is already a step in a new direction.

The Struggle is Real!

True confessions...
I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Yesterday seemed especially difficult to navigate, yet I wasn't quite sure why. I just knew that I was feeling more tired than usual and definitely less motivated, yet not because of a lack of sleep or not practicing healthy self-care. This was different. This was more of a soul tired. Perhaps you can relate?

I think that this funk has been coming and going and in a sense even building over the last four months. It has been mostly subtle and at times even stealthy, and that's a big part of why it often goes unnoticed. Well, that and the fact that I truly have so many blessings to be eternally grateful for: my family, my friends, my business, my home, my health, my resources, and the list goes on. So, when I would feel myself sliding down the slippery slope of distress, I would immediately switch to gratitude for all the wonderful people and circumstances of my life. Sounds like a great strategy to refocus attention, doesn't it?

But hold on a minute. Was I practicing authentic heartfelt gratitude OR was I trying to ignore the not-so-great things that were happening?  Hmmmmmm...I'll let you decide.

Some things I acknowledged. For example, last week, I sent out not one, but four sympathy cards! Add to that the fact that my sweet sister-in-law is nearing the end of her struggle with brain cancer. It's only a matter of waiting now. There's nothing more to do. That's enough to explain the funk, but even that wasn't all of it. I woke up this morning in that funk again, but this time it was more at the surface just waiting for release. So, release it I did.

I got up before my husband and he joined me for our morning coffee. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He asked what was going on and I knew I had to let it out. It started out as talking about my frustration with things not getting done around the house. From there it progressed to feeling frustrated with other issues until I hit on the "big ones" - the pandemic, the political climate, the racial tensions, the violence - all the really major things that are happening around us that we truly have no control over. And that's when the tears started to flow. It wasn't just frustration over it all, it was truly a deep grief - grief as a feeling of loss for the way life was just four months ago. I am not saying things were perfect or that changes are not needed, I'm just saying that for better and for worse, things will seemingly never be the same. I don't know what the future holds. No one does. No one EVER knows, but somehow when things are going smoothly, there's that part of us that believes we are somehow the exception and that we are somehow in control. But, we're not.

So, now what?
Well, after getting down to feeling, expressing, and through tears - releasing the core emotion of grief, I am ready to move on from here. The problems are still there, but instead of feeling the intense weight of them bearing down on my mind, body, and spirit, I have created a new,  healthier relationship with those problems. I am reminded and possess a more embodied knowing that life is in fact a largely unpredictable mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but now that's ok again. And I know I'm ok. And I know that all that muck can co-exist with gratitude rather than be opposed to it. And today is another day and another chance to make a difference in the world. It may just be in my small corner of reality, but that's ok too. That's life.

I CAN CONTROL my words and my actions. I can make choices that add to the Peace, Love, and Joy in this world. Yes, I can do this, but NOT if my energy is all tied up at any level of denial or getting stuck in any version of the oh so familiar refrain of "This shouldn't be happening" because the truth of the matter is that it is.

I will close by sharing an analogy that came to me years ago about having a meltdown. Candle wax has to be in it's liquefied form in order to be shaped and molded into a beautiful candle that has the capability of bringing a soft light into the darkness. So, next time you have a meltdown, as I did just this morning, don't think of it as a negative thing. Re-frame it as an opportunity to mold yourself anew so that you too can bring yourself, your talents, energy, and resources more fully into this world and to shine even more brightly than you did before.

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. it really is better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the darkness. Amen to that!