When I Thought I Might Be Dying

 

It's been awhile since I last wrote, hasn't it? That is rather typical of a pattern in my life that when I am in what I call a major transition, whether that means dealing with changes around me or those that are occurring within me, I tend to limit my writing. So here I am again, which means that I have arrived at a level of deeper clarity and ready to share.

The topic of this post is rather dramatic, so let me start by saying that I'm fine. To make a very long story short, an abnormality was detected in my body that "could be nothing" or "could be serious." The bottom line is after time has passed and tests were done, it was determined that there's no cause for concern. However, in the last year and a half since the whole thing started, there was more than a couple of moments that I considered that perhaps this was "it" for me. This was especially true in the last couple of months when doctors were questioning a questionable finding and recommended a procedure to find out if this could be cancer. Yep - the C word! Although I intuitively felt I was fine, it caused me to consider death as not just something we all have to deal with, but rather as something that was maybe in my near future. Thus the title of the article.

When faced with the possibility of death coming sooner versus later, I found myself in a place of grief and regret, which I know is a typical response. What I found to be most interesting and profound about my experience was the nature of my regret. It wasn't about not having attained a certain level of success or fame or money or even about what I had done or failed to do. Instead, it was a deep sorrow at having taken so long to simply BE WHO I AM.

So, who am I that I somehow rejected along the way and worked to heal and reclaim?

For one thing, I am a Highly Sensitive Person. That means I take in a whole lot of sensory data all day every day. I process it all deeply. I feel it deeply. I sense the subtleties other people don't notice. Quite frankly, it means that sometimes the world feels as if it is moving too fast, is too loud, and often too bright. This can lead me to feeling more easily stressed, overstimulated, and even overwhelmed. The key word in that sentence is CAN. I can also choose to avoid a great deal of the "problems" associated with this trait and accentuate the gifts simply by practicing healthy self care on a daily basis to give my body, mind, and spirit what it needs to thrive. 

This sounds simple, but it isn't always easy. And you know what the number one thing is that gets in the way? It's not time, it's not responsibilities - it's judgment and lack of self acceptance and compassion. Because 80% of the population is not Highly Sensitive, at times it has made me feel different and unfortunately, when we feel different, we can equate that with being deficient and therefore defective. In that case, we may work extra hard to keep up, fit in, and cast our needs and preferences aside even if that means having migraines and being sick all the time as I once was. At least then we have a socially acceptable excuse for taking downtime.

You may or may not be an HSP as I am, but trust me, everyone at some point masks who they truly are for fear of judgment. Take another of my traits that you may or may not relate to - I'm an Introvert. What that means is that I have a natural preference for low stimulation environments. I would much rather meet a friend for lunch in a quiet place where we could enjoy deep conversation than go to a large gathering and make small talk. I need to psyche myself up to be in the right mood to go to a concert or out to a bar to dance the night away, whereas I savor a quiet evening at home with my husband and kitty watching something funny on TV. It's not all that I do, but the quiet activities are what I need more of in my life. Again, there's absolutely nothing wrong with introversion versus extroversion, but I happen to live in a place and a time where extroversion is considered to be more the ideal. The big, bold personalities such as a Tony Robbins are held up as the example we "should" strive for. While I do enjoy being around people, going places, and doing fun things, I just need a bit more silence and solitude to refresh and renew my energy, whereas extraverts renew their energy by the activities I need to recover from. And that's ok - I just need to honor who I am and what I need and not make myself "wrong" for doing so. You need to do that too.

You see how this works? It's all good. There's no right or wrong when it comes to these traits. There are a myriad of other ways to understand ourselves better too like the 16 Myers Briggs Personalities, Astrology, the Enneagram Types, the Ayurveda doshas, Type A/Type B, and the list goes on. As Socrates so adeptly stated: To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom. All of these things can be helpful to us. Clearly information is good, but information does not necessarily lead to transformation and that is where the proverbial pearl of great price is found.

And that is what leads me back to the quote at the top by e e cummings:

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are!"

Ironically, the older I get and the more experience I have working with my beautiful clients, the more I have come to know that so much of the self help and personal development field has gotten it wrong. Way too many people get stuck on the never ending treadmill of chasing goals, continual self improvement, and constantly needing change instead of having the recognition that much of what they are seeking (if not all) is within them already. That's why I love what Michelangelo said about his sculpture: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." That's how I have come to view so much of my life and the work that I do with others. I only wish I had seen it sooner. Better late than never, but I know that I can use that lesson to fuel my passion and purpose for helping others to do the same. All things work together for the good.

I hope that this does not come across as too heady or esoteric as it is truly coming from my heart to yours. My intention is to inspire you to embrace this message and to step more fully into WHO YOU REALLY ARE. I hope that you can not only reclaim the parts of you that you may have rejected, but also come to celebrate yourself in your uniqueness. 

As always, remember that "Healthy self care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity!"

In order to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters, you must give yourself the self acceptance, self love, and self compassion that will allow you to practice the self care that YOU NEED TO THRIVE - especially if it is different than what others may need - and not feel guilty or defective for doing so. 

If you are in need of support to BE YOUR TRUE SELF, please know that help is available.

It's time to Nurture U!

The Irony of Healthy Self-Care

 

I so love this picture of me holding my sweet granddaughter. You can almost feel the intensity of the awe that I was experiencing with her in my arms! This was taken over 10 years ago and I'm still in awe of the blessing of being a grandma.

So, what does this have to do with healthy self-care? Literally everything! 

Here goes...

Nurture U is all about how to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. That is the Power Triad for a successful and meaningful life. All three work together synergistically and if one of the elements is missing, it makes it more difficult to have the other two. That's why the tagline for my coaching practice since I founded the business in 2005 has been "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity!" 

Think about this beautiful baby girl in my arms. You can see her gentle smile and her relaxed closed eyes.(Side note: look at the hand mudras. She has always struck me as a wise old soul, but I digress.) Clearly she is well fed, comfortable, and deeply contented. As a result, her emotions are calm, she is able to rest and sleep, and she is NOT NEEDY.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like an amazing state of being to me.

And guess what?

We can help ourselves to enjoy and be soothed by this same level of care too.

And the result of choosing to do so?

We too can be well fed, more comfortable, content, calm, able to rest and sleep, and perhaps the most important thing - not needy - and THAT my friend is where the irony comes in.

Oh, how many times do we think or feel that healthy self-care, rest, joyful activities, time alone in nature, etc. are somehow frivolous or God forbid even selfish! Or we give ourselves these things, sometimes out of desperation to survive day to day, but even then our beautiful acts of self love, self compassion, and self-care end up tainted with guilt or the restless feeling that we "should" be doing something else. Seriously - STOP THAT! We all need to know that it's not only OK to take good care of our body, mind, and spirit, it's actually for the best and highest good of all concerned - including us! Nurture U is not about "me first" - it's about "ME TOO!"

What is the result of this healthy self-care?

The bottom line is that as we make it a priority to give ourselves what we need to thrive, it makes us LESS SELF FOCUSED, LESS SELF CENTERED, AND LESS SELFISH. It allows us to feel our best and therefore do our best. We are able to be more present to our loved ones, our responsibilities, our jobs, etc. We feel more calm and responsive, less stressed and reactive. We have more energy. We enjoy more balance. And the list goes on...

So, the irony of healthy self-care is that it epitomizes the reality that "It's not all about you!"

Think about it. Who would YOU rather be? The tired, crabby, negative, needy person or the well rested, calm, happy, person who is able to go out and live, love, and serve. While obviously we can't control everything that contributes to being the best version of ourselves that we can be, we sure can choose what we think, say, and do. That really is up to you! You've got this!!!

Change the things YOU CAN!

When Did Rest Become Countercultural?

That's a question that we as a society need to seriously ask ourselves. When DID rest become countercultural AND perhaps even more importantly, WHY do we allow that to be the prevailing narrative that we all feel obliged to succumb to?!?! That's quite a big question to address. Plus, anyone who knows me knows that I tend toward being a tad (ok - more than a tad) wordy. That said, I am set to tackle this in as few words as possible in the interest of time knowing that ironically, that is a huge part of the issue. So here goes...

In spite of all our advances in technology and all of the various gizmos, gadgets, and appliances to make our lives easier and to free up our time, it seems to me that it hasn't had that effect. In fact, sometimes I think the pursuit of it all related to the more, better, faster mentality actually causes some of us to pick up the pace, keep going when our energy is waning, and ignore the signals sent by our body, mind, and spirit that we need to slow down, take a deep breath, stretch, or take a short break and walk around - even if it's just to refill our water bottle so we can stay hydrated to better focus on the task at hand. In essence, even our "breaks" are designed to be a quick way to get back into the grind and keep grinding away.

Sound familiar? It sure does to me! Striving for balance has been the on-going story of my life. Yep, it's true. We teach what we have most needed to learn and even keep learning! We are all a work in progress. Thankfully, I have learned a lot along the way out of sheer necessity and desperation, so that is why I'm so passionate about sharing it with others. Maybe, just maybe, something I say will click for you and help you to create a shift. (And by the way, I LOVE to hear about it when that happens, so please don't hesitate to reply and let me know what resonates for you.)

Here's the thing - I have sounded like a broken record since 2005 repeating the same message over and over again: "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity." That summarizes the gist of what we need to do to set the foundation to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. So when it comes to putting it into practice, what stops us? And furthermore, what can we do to move past those blocks?

Like so many things in life, the answer is simple but not easy. Many of us are heart-centered people who long to make a positive difference in the world. We find that because of our desire to be there for others, we put ourselves, our needs, and our desires on the back burner. Sometimes, we may actually feel guilty or fear that we are being selfish and letting others down when we take time out for ourselves. What will they think? 

On the other hand, many of us are "Type A" individuals who are driven to high achievement and success. We love to meet new challenges, complete exciting projects, and crave that feeling of accomplishment we get in moving forward with our goals in all areas of life including our career and finances. 

And then - God forbid - there are those of us who fall into BOTH categories. Yep, that's me.

For as long as I can remember, I was an enigma even to myself as I went through life with one foot on the gas and the other on the accelerator. I was the one who ping ponged between the 2 extremes of the stress response. I literally was living in survival mode bouncing from periods of fight to periods of flight. I'd be out there "crushing it" only to find that I was crushing myself in the process and needed to retreat for a period of time to recover. How long of a retreat I needed depended on the level of depletion I allowed to occur before I crashed. Ugh! That is no way to live. I suffered from digestive issues, migraines, frequent infections, aches, pains, and even got mono at one point. The struggle was real!

Why did this happen? Because for a myriad of reasons  - including the real world responsibilities of working, raising a child, meeting expenses, taking care of the house, and all of the other demands of living - I was putting out so much energy without replenishing that I was burning out fast. Thankfully, I was able to come back from this and commit to restoring a strong foundation of healthy self-care which I now know and respect as essential for all I want to be and do! Healthy self-care doesn't stop you from that - it's the path to getting you there! 

I am so far from perfect - and I'm ok with that. As the saying goes, "Perfection is the enemy of the good." However, I do practice what I preach. I incorporate the 4 Keys to Nurture U into my life. I set healthy boundaries around my time and energy to get back into balance. I give myself enough time and space to feel like I have "breathing room." I have daily downtime to help me process the events of the day and renew my energy. I do what I need to do to feel calm, confident, and connected to the greater energy and purpose of my life. I listen to uplifting, transformational audios, including hypnosis and guided meditations. I stay hydrated and eat a well-balanced plant based diet. I enjoy mindful movement, especially my walks in the woods. Lastly, the older I get the more I realize the importance of cultivating joy, whether in the simple pleasures and tasks of daily life like relishing a nice hot shower at the end of the day or the bigger blessings of spending cherished time with family and friends - including my favorite furry feline BFF Bella. It's all GOOD! Now, isn't it time to Nurture U?

Well, I probably exceeded my intended number of words already, but suffice it to say that if I have gotten across the message that rest and healthy self-care are NOT the opposite of productivity, but rather the prerequisite, then I'm ok with that. I'm guessing that if you are still reading, then you are too.

Please let me know your thoughts on the topic. 

Also, as always, let me know if there's anything I can do to support you along the way. 

Wishing you wellness,

Mary Ellen

 

 

MAKE 2022 THE YEAR TO NURTURE U! 

Here are the 4 Keys You Need to Succeed

I always hesitate to use the words "success" and "succeed" in my content or on my website. Why? I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I read Sarah Santacroce's wonderful book, Marketing Like We're Human. After that, it became crystal clear to me that those words are often loaded with meaning and can trigger feelings of pressure, stress, and cringing at the thought that we are somehow "less than" as we are and need to get ahead in order to earn our worthiness. UGH! The word success has been overused and somehow corrupted because so many of us are conditioned to associate the concept as simply a means to a nebulous end that requires that intense driving and striving energy which is NOT what Nurture U is all about. I think you get my point! So let's redefine success right here, right now.

In a nutshell, success is about quality of life! True success is about finding a sense of balance in order to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. Yes, that does indeed require effort, but for many of us, we need to step away from "efforting" and learn how to incorporate more of the "go with the flow" attitude to keep us out of living in a chronic state of fight or flight! Perhaps this all sounds a bit like a "note to self." Yep - you guessed it! It is. Read on and see if you can relate...

I am the craziest mix of characteristics. I always have been. As a result, I never felt like I fit in. (But now I know that's ok and I am blessed with the very best of friends who know and appreciate me just as I am!) On one hand, I am super driven to achieve. On the other hand, I am a Highly Sensitive Person, HSP, who needs a lot of quiet, solitude, and downtime. I also suffer from what I have come to call "TFS Disease" which stands for Too Freaking Serious. My mind is very active. I love learning and taking in new information, especially on subjects I'm so passionate about like plant based eating. I think way too much and oh so deeply too. Yet, I have a quick and clever sense of humor that earned me the honor of being voted "Wittiest Girl" in my high school graduating class. I even showcased my humor at a local tavern with two appearances doing stand up comedy on open mic nights. The dichotomies go on and so could I, but I digress. My point is, that I often feel like I'm going through life with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I always need to attend to the issue of BALANCE! How about you?

Chances are your challenges are different than mine, but yet it's safe to assume that you know that feeling. You want to do more and be more, but pushing yourself nonstop and regularly beyond your limits is simply not sustainable. That's precisely how Nurture U came into being. I finally embraced what has been the company motto and my North Star (officially since 2005, but the foundation was slowly built for many years preceding that): "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity!"

In more recent years, I have streamlined an approach to helping myself and my clients to put this into practice by attending to The 4 Keys to Nurture U as listed above. Here's a bit more about each of these keys. Although I was not able to so clearly define them before, I realize now that the 4 keys have always been my focus.

1) Calm Your Life

This is the first key for a very good reason! If you don't make the time and space for quiet and reflection, you may find yourself stuck in default mode where you are perpetually reacting to the people, circumstances, and events in your life and feeling like a victim. Contrast this with feeling empowered to co-create a life more in alignment with your values and purpose, choosing your responses, and enjoying the freedom of balanced living. To get to that point, you need need to know how to set healthy boundaries around your time and energy. This is one of the first things I help my clients to do in order to attend more fully to the other 3.

2) Soothe Your Soul

This second key is just as awesome as it sounds. It's all about tapping into the mind, body, spirit connection. The word "soul" in this context means the deepest part of you, your unseen essence, your energy, and/or your spirit. Soul encompasses all that and more. It's what some call your "True Self." In order to live as a happy, healthy, heart-centered person, you need to cultivate a sense of calm, confidence, and connection. When I work with clients, the best way I know of to access all this inner wisdom and the highest self is through relaxation and guided meditation. It's a beautiful thing! That is how Nurture U sessions were dubbed "a spa for the soul." I also teach my clients some basic breathing and meditation techniques. We explore other ways of balancing the nervous system for optimal functioning as well including walks in nature, spending time near water, and daily practices such as yoga and journaling. It's all good!

3) Care for Your Body

This third key is often viewed as things we need to add to our ever lengthening "to do" list. In fact, some people view this aspect of self care in such a negative light that is becomes a dreaded combination of shoulds, oughts, musts, rules, regulations, and is quite frankly, completely devoid of joy! But, it doesn't have to be that way at all! In fact, the Nurture U way is a gentle way that incorporates 3 basic categories: The Power of Plants, Mindful Movement, and The Wonder of Water! That doesn't sound so bad now, does it? Here's a brief summary of what I work toward with my clients to put this into action. I share with them how to start to move in the direction of just eating more plants! I call it "Whole Food Plant Based Joy" and trust me, I'm a foodie and that's exactly how I see it. No deprivation, just a yummy healthy way of eating that benefits our health, the planet, and the animals. More on that another time. Mindful movement is all about becoming more active in ways that renew and restore your energy rather than depleting it. It's about moving more, but also feeling good about the how, when, where, and how much you move too. Exercise can become more joyful and less of a chore when approached in a different way! Lastly, water is definitely the best way to hydrate your body and hopefully is, or can become, your beverage of choice - not exclusively, but rather as a primary source. (Yes, I drink some coffee and shhhh don't tell anyone, but I even put a little pure maple syrup in it too!) Water is also a great stress buster. There's nothing like a shower or bath to refresh, relax, and renew your energy. Being by a calm body of water does that for me too. I regularly incorporate water into guided meditations for clients who resonate with its healing and restorative powers.

4) Grow Your Joy! 

Yes, please!! Let's ALL attend to THAT one, eh? My youngest granddaughter who is 9,  has the cutest little go-to text reply which is HEHE. She truly is the embodiment of joy and spreads it wherever she goes and with whomever she is with so it is only fitting that I use that as the acronym for turning your life into a Health Enhancing Happiness Experiment! Doesn't that sound fabulous?!?! And just know, you don't have to quit your job, go on an extended retreat, live on a mountaintop, or even change much of anything other than shifting your perspective and priorities to let more joy shine through. For me, JOY stands for Just the little things, Obligations made more pleasant, and Your special experiences. The little joys of the day for me might include a slow morning reading something uplifting while savoring my coffee and enjoying a big bowl of fresh, colorful fruit before breakfast. (I love pretty food!) I also cherish the time I spend snuggling with my kitty on the couch. Other simple pleasures include sunsets over the lake and watching old sitcoms. Sometimes we just need to make a little extra effort to allow the time to enjoy the little things. An example of how obligations can be made more pleasant might include getting a little more creative in the kitchen, trying new recipes, or even making cooking easier by buying convenience items such as prewashed salads and precut veggies. Think about how you might make the things you need to do a little faster, easier, or even more fun. Put on music or listen to a podcast while you dust. Just try something along those lines. It really does make a difference. Lastly, make sure that you make it a priority to enjoy whatever is special to you! That might include travel, photography, painting, crafts, dining out, boating...whatever it is that lights you up. Make it a point to do more of that!

OK, so that's my take on the basic framework to Nurture U. Let me know if you have any questions or what I can do to support you along the way. Call or email me to set up a complimentary consultation to see if working together would be a good fit for you. Connect with me on Facebook and/or Instagram to keep in touch. Subscribe to my newsletter on the homepage of my website and get a copy of the Nurture U Wheel of Wellness and how you can use it to bring more balance into your life. If you are a Highly Sensitive Person, send a request to join my private Facebook group, TLC  for HSPs. There are so many different ways to move in a new direction. But whatever you do, MAKE 2022 THE YEAR TO NURTURE U! 

Sensitive, Strong, and Successful - A Powerful Triad

 As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I have come to embrace this trait as my greatest gift and it is my hope that after reading this, you will learn to do the same whether for your own sake, or for the highest good of someone in your life.

You see, the HSP trait has been grossly misunderstood. In fact, the inclusion of the word "sensitive" is what leads to the misperception of what is actually a super power once you know how to harness its energy! So, the first thing we need to realize is what it means to be sensitive. While I do not discount the fact that as HSPs, we do feel things deeply, that is only one aspect of being sensitive. We are certainly not a group of individuals roaming through life with tears in our eyes or shying away from challenges. No, we can be found among the movers and the shakers who are committed to taking our lives to the next level and supporting others in doing the same. (Some of us even go so far as to feel like a badass when our confidence is up and we are out there making things happen.)

So, let's explore the definition of sensitive, courtesy of Oxford Languages online. One of the definitions that works for me is "quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences." That reminds me of an instrument that is more adept at picking up what it is designed to as opposed to another instrument that is less sensitive and therefore less able to do what it is supposed to do. Another definition that fits is "having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings." Yep. Those definitions are spot on when it comes to the HSP trait.

So, what's the problem? People latch on to all of the negative associations with the word sensitive. For example, some definitions include descriptors such as easily upset and distressed, unstable, and needing protection. You see? Same word - totally different connotations. 

That's why Willow McIntosh, a global sensitivity expert, came up with a whole new term for the trait: SENSORY INTELLIGENCE. That certainly captures not only the beautiful essence of the trait, but also conveys the power - and that's what it takes to be sensitive, strong, and successful. Recognize the trait for what it is and proceed accordingly!

Are there challenges that come with this trait? Yes, there are but they are absolutely surmountable BUT only if someone acknowledges and accepts being among the 15-20% of the population that has this gift. If you resonate with being an HSP but are put off, or worse yet, scared off (as I once was) by this trait, then you won't take the steps necessary to accommodate your needs and accentuate your abilities. This causes a whole host of negative effects including a great deal of unnecessary stress and wasted potential. It's truly a travesty to allow this to occur!

So, what now? I highly recommend that you learn all you can about this trait to become empowered. Even if you feel like you are barely surviving, trust me, you can get to the point of thriving. Why do I feel so strongly about this? Because I've "been there, done that" and now I have the knowledge, professional training, and the personal experience to help you to do the same. 

You CAN be sensitive, strong, and successful. Yes, you can and I can help. Why wait?? Get in touch with me and we can discuss how Nurture U Life Coaching can help you take your wellness and your life to the next level! 

I can't wait for the chance to connect!

Mary Ellen

Keep Calm and Be Fabulous!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Honestly, this mug says it all: Keep Calm and Be Fabulous! This is indeed the theme I have chosen for the entire year. 2021 is definitely the time to Nurture U and perhaps we need that now more than ever. Although I sound like a broken record, the main message of Nurture U Life Coaching bears repeating: "Healthy self-care is not a luxury; it's a necessity!" You simply can't Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Live a Life that Matters without making self-care a priority. You just can't. This holds true for everyone and is even more pertinent to those of us who have been identified as a Highly Sensitive Person, also known by the acronym HSP. We need to be even more vigilant, especially regarding the need for downtime and alone time.

The reason why I love the theme of Keep Calm and Be Fabulous is that for me, it sums up what I most want out of life at this point AND states it in the right order. We've all heard of "the calm before the storm" right? Well, I'm here to tell you we need to cultivate the calm before we can feel fabulous!

What do I mean by "Be Fabulous?"  Well, I am certainly not referring to the need to look like a super model, say and do all the right things, or even the need to be anything in particular except for BEING YOU! This is something that I have learned through struggle and pain, stress and strain, over many years and with lots of tears. Most of us spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME trying to figure out who and what we should be instead of being who we already are! 

So, WHO ARE YOU?  

Whoever you are, I know you are a beautiful soul who was sent to this world to experience life to the fullest. You have been gifted with strengths and talents that are a unique combination never having been seen or experienced before and never to be repeated. It is up to each and every one of us to own our wonder and our magic and to share it with the world. We each have a beautiful light to shine on all those around us in a way that only we can. We all have some desire planted within our hearts to make the world a better place and we can do so every day just by our presence. The thoughts we think send out a certain vibrational energy as do the words we speak and the actions we choose. Think about it - you are quite literally broadcasting your signal on a moment to moment basis in a way that affects not only you, but all those around you as well. We really are all connected. We really are all one as all the perennial wisdom traditions have always taught. And may I share with you what I think is the most exciting thing of all? We are living in an age when science is now able to corroborate and even explain these phenomena. (And yes, I think that is what I'd aptly deem phenomenal!) We can now understand what the mystics have always known and begin to demonstrate this power in our own lives today. THAT'S what I mean by "Be Fabulous!"

Now that brings us back to the starting point which is to "Be Calm." Let's make 2021 the year that we step out of crazy busy and fretting over that which we can't control. Let's resolve to take the time for peace and quiet to build our resilience and function at our best in what can seem to be a chaotic world. Let's steep ourselves in time honored virtues such as faith, hope, and love. Let's take good care of ourselves and practice a great deal of self-compassion. 

From that calm energy, let's strengthen our connections. Let's extend that compassion out into the world to other people in our immediate circle, to our extended families, our communities, country, and while we are at it, let's stretch the boundaries of compassion to the entire globe. Let's care for the earth itself, the air, the water, the animals, etc. It's all a part of the oneness we are only starting to understand at deeper and deeper levels. We can do this. It doesn't have to be our job, our career, or even our passion. It just has to be a conscious choice of how we journey through life from the simplest things such as smiling at a passerby to the bigger things such as promoting a campaign to slow global warming. We are all called to play a role because we are all in this together. While our circumstances may determine the scale at which we act, we are all called to do something and to do something consistently. 

May all that we do this year come from that center of calm and tap into the connection to something far greater than ourselves. 

My wish for you is, as always, to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Live a Life that Matters.

Yes, WE CAN! 

Keep Calm and Be Fabulous!

Need a little help to get back on track or to stay there?

Visit Nurture U Life Coaching to get your complimentary Holistic Wellness Self-Assessment Tool today! 

With much love,

Mary Ellen

Downtime to Prevent Down Time

I enjoy adding photos to my blog posts. So, as I sat down to write this post, I literally laughed out loud when I found this picture of my cat Bella. She is truly my Furry Guru when it comes to relaxation! As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), relaxation never came easy to me. In fact, I had to actually LEARN HOW TO RELAX! To someone without this issue, that may seem downright ridiculous, but if you're anything like me, you know it to be true. (Just as an aside, the trait of High Sensitivity is found in at least 100 animal species and Bella is definitely my little HSP.)

In order for an HSP to truly relax in a restorative manner, we absolutely need downtime. As Julie Bjelland, Sensitivity Expert/Psychotherapist has stated, having alone time is a "medical necessity." Why? Because as HSPs, we simply take in way more stimuli than the 80-85% of the population that does not have this trait. Plus, once we take it in, we have an inborn preference to process everything much more deeply. Add to that our propensity to be more emotionally responsive and empathetic and you can see why we have a tendency to get overstimulated, overloaded, and if that continues we can get quite overwhelmed. BUT, this tendency can be mitigated through healthy self-care and increased awareness so that whenever possible, we can prevent this downward spiral from happening.

YES, WE CAN! That's where downtime is so important to our well-being. Again, this is true for everyone, but especially for HSPs. However, as heart-centered people who care deeply about others, take responsibilities seriously, want to do a good job, etc. we can run ourselves ragged if we don't ensure that we make the time for downtime! Trust me, you will never "find" the time, you have to MAKE THE TIME. Ideally, many experts recommend at least 2 hours each day. This might seem impossible in this busy, chaotic life we all seem to be leading, but here's the thing: Downtime may not be what you think it is. Read on my friends and you will find the golden key to unlock the door to more inner peace.

The definition of the downtime we most need as HSPs is "time spent not taking in any new data that needs to be processed." It is SO IMPORTANT that you get this point! I can't stress this fact enough. This is so different than what the majority of us have always thought of as downtime which essentially can cause us to chase peace rather than basking in the glow of it.

Let me explain further. Before I understood this way of looking at downtime, I was unable to feel relaxed, refreshed, and rejuvenated even if I wasn't "working." In fact, sometimes I actually ended up feeling worse after a "day off." How can that be? I inadvertently filled my days with way too much of what I can enjoy in moderation and it kept me too preoccupied with such things as reading nonfiction, scrolling social media, talking on the phone to friends and loved ones, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and what I consider to be the biggest factor in the mix - THINKING WAY TOO MUCH. Yep, thinking, pondering, wondering, planning, etc. My days off were often exhausting, even if I was alone! 

As a result, I continued to live in a state of chronic stress and busyness even if it appeared I wasn't doing much at all. You see, we can be overstimulated by both internal and external factors and the combination has a cumulative effect on body, mind, and spirit. That's what I am referring to as the need for downtime to prevent down time. If you continue to ignore your needs, they don't go away. The messages get louder and louder and often are accompanied by physical symptoms ranging from headaches and muscle tension to more serious health conditions. UGH! So now what???

Embrace what downtime is and what it isn't and commit to incorporate it into your day every day! Here's the beauty of it too. There are many things that you may enjoy that don't necessarily add to the sensory processing load that you are already carrying. Downtime does not mean you need to escape to some mountain retreat to finally relax. It doesn't mean you need to spend 2 hours in silent meditation until your mind achieves "tabula rasa" AKA a blank slate. No, you just need to spend time doing things that do not add more sensory information for you to have to process.

Here are some of the things that I now do during my downtime:

Lay quietly with my cat on the couch

Listen to soothing instrumental music

Walk alone in nature

Spend time alone near water

Sit in the sun or shade (depending on the weather)

Observe the wonders of nature - birds, squirrels, butterflies, sunrises, sunsets

Tap into my connection with my Higher Power

Do gentle yoga

Close my eyes

Take a bath or a shower

Focus on the feeling of my breath coming in and out of my body

(Sometimes even routine tasks such as cleaning, cooking, or baking can get me out of my head)

Everyone is different. Find what is most soothing to you. Just remember, the most important thing of all is that you DO IT! Make the commitment today to Nurture U!  Everything you do to enhance your well-being positively affects not only you, but all those around you as well. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be the happiest, healthiest version of yourself that you can be.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you in this beautiful endeavor.

 

 

The Highly Sensitive Person Label: Limitation or Liberation?

 

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) myself, this question is indeed near and dear to my heart! Once you "find out" you are an HSP, that is the main issue that you need to address to move from acknowledging the trait to accepting the trait. It is only then that you can learn to effectively accommodate and accentuate your inherent nature. Essentially, the HSP label is either an asset or a liability depending on how you choose to view it.

Therein lies the answer to whether the HSP label is a limitation or liberation: 

It really IS your choice!

Your decision is the difference that will make the difference. If you allow yourself to fall into a victim mentality because this is a trait you were born with and it's not going to go away, you will tend toward avoidance in life and spend a great deal of your energy working to control people, circumstances and events so as to not upset the proverbial apple cart. This is an exhausting way to live. Unfortunately, I know that from past experience. It is in fact, quite limiting!

On the other hand, the HSP label can be the best thing that has ever happened to you! Suddenly you realize why you have felt "different" all of your life, why you have been conditioned to react the way you do, and it is a terrific relief to finally know that 20% of the population can relate to your experience. You embrace this new knowledge and learn the most effective strategies for healing the past, enjoying the present, and co-creating the future. You now know that there are certain things you need to do to balance your nervous system for optimal functioning. You understand that there are ways that you will choose to practice healthy self-care that may differ from the 80% of the population that are non-HSPs and you set the healthy boundaries that allow you the time and space to do so. In other words, Hallelujah! This is what liberation looks like!

So, how can you make the empowering choice to be liberated by the HSP label? You absolutely need to heal the past in order to bring your best self into the present. This involves reframing your experiences prior to realizing you are an HSP in light of this new knowledge. This will allow you to release the negative energy and beliefs of the past and to reclaim the positive energy and beliefs in the present. It really is a beautiful thing to behold - even though there is work to be done to get there.

That's where you may benefit from seeking support. Read books about the HSP trait by reputable authors like Dr. Elaine Aron. Watch videos, read blog posts, join Facebook groups. Do what you can to realize what you feel is real. You are not alone. And most importantly - YOU ARE AWESOME!

Please contact me if I can support your journey to acknowledge, accept, accommodate, and accentuate your trait as a Highly Sensitive Person. Visit the Nurture U website for more information about Holistic Wellness Life Coaching and tapping into the mind-body-spirit connection in the process of change. Hypnotherapy and hypnosis are especially effective tools for learning how to lovingly direct your mind and therefore your life. If you have any questions, you are welcome to request a complimentary phone consultation as well.

As for me? I am so happy I chose liberation over limitation. 

I know you can too.

It's time to learn to thrive not just survive!

Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity.

For HSPs: Change Your State; NOT Your Trait!

Well, here it is...

In my humble opinion, this is the absolute number one most important thing that a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) must learn in order to Be Happy, Be Healthy, and Live a Life that Matters. That truly is what we all want, isn't it? That's why it is the tagline for Nurture U Life Coaching. It is also the impetus for all I am doing for myself as an HSP and coaching my clients to do as well.
Here it is folks...
CHANGE YOUR STATE; NOT YOUR TRAIT.

Wow, it feels so good to be putting this message out there for you and for all who know, love, work with, and/or parent anyone who is a Highly Sensitive Person. We HSPs are an awesome group that often gets a bad rap. Why? Simply put, because we are in the minority. That's right, HSPs make up only 15-20% of the population. Needless to say, since 80% of the population is made up of non-HSPs, you better believe that society is not set up for us to thrive. But that's ok. That's our responsibility to see that we do. And never fear, we CAN go from feeling like we are just (or sometimes barely) surviving to empowered and thriving by changing our state; not our trait.

So, what exactly is a trait? A trait is an inherited quality that we are born with. It is not something that develops as a result of trauma, poor parenting, lack of discipline, or even by choice. In the case of high sensitivity, it is not a disorder and certainly not something that we need to get over or get rid of (in spite of what you yourself may have thought and likely what you've also been told). You can't submit high sensitivity to any kind of treatment to eradicate it. It is what it is. The idea is to acknowledge, accept, accommodate, and accentuate the trait by learning the tips, tools, and techniques for our sensitive nervous systems to function at our optimal level. That's where changing your state comes in.

What is meant by "change your state?" To paraphrase Merriam - Webster online, the definition of "state" is a mode or condition of mind and/or being. As this clearly implies, a state is merely a temporary quality of existence. Your state can be managed and changed for the better. That is where the power of choice comes in. That is what it means to learn to be more responsive and less reactive. In other words, here's the opportunity for continued growth and development if we make the decision to view our challenges in this matter. Otherwise, we fall prey to the victim mentality and that leaves us helpless, hopeless, and stuck. I don't know about you, but I will take on the work of change rather than wallow in the mire every time!

It's easy to see how if highly sensitive people do not know how to balance their nervous systems for optimal functioning that they get stuck. It's also easy to see how if someone doesn't accept that he or she is an HSP that the person will not practice the tools to stay grounded and centered as the priority they need to be even if that person knows helpful techniques. But get a load of this: Denial of the trait can actually trigger people to go in the polar opposite direction and swing into an even higher, more destructive driven mode and leave the strategies of healthy self-care in the dust. Now why would someone ever do that? Why would someone get stuck, stay stuck, and go even deeper into the muck?

As is so often the case in life, the answer is simple but certainly not easy: low self-esteem. How does that apply to being a Highly Sensitive Person? Unfortunately, low self-esteem can run rampant in the lives of HSPs and dare I say that I'd venture to guess that the higher you score on the HSP scale, the more that might be an issue. But why?

Why are HSPs prone to low self-esteem?
In the words of Dr. Elaine Aron on page 147 of the 25th Anniversary Edition of her groundbreaking book The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, "HSPs are prone to low self-esteem because they are not their culture's ideal." Ouch...truth hurts, but it doesn't have to. As I said before, an HSP needs to acknowledge, accept, accommodate, and accentuate the trait of high sensitivity. How? Back to the beginning...

Change your state; NOT your trait.
Learn what it takes to balance your unique nervous system to be more calm, confident, and connected. Practice healthy self-care. Make rest, relaxation, and the right amount to sleep for you a top priority. Eat a healthy diet that includes plenty of colorful, fresh fruits and vegetables. Get consistent daily moderate exercise that is the right amount and type for your body. Figure out what brings a smile to your face and find a way to bring more of that into your days. By learning to do these things, and perhaps more importantly giving yourself the permission to do so, you will in effect be changing your state to enhance your trait. Given the right conditions (AKA state of mind, body, and spirit) your sensitivity can be transformed from what you (and most likely others) mistakenly considered a liability into the asset that it actually is. After awhile, you, like me, might come to know and embrace that your sensitivity is actually your Superpower!

That is the vision I continue to hold for myself and for all HSPs. I've said it before and I'll say it again that it is my passion, purpose, and privilege to help Highly Sensitive Women to learn to do this and more. If I can be of help or support to you on your journey of wholeness, please contact me. In fact, we can schedule a complimentary phone consultation to begin to experience and explore how Nurture U Life Coaching could benefit you. In the meantime, hang in there and just decide right here right now to be willing to accept that your sensitivity is a gift. Trust me. I know from experience. That decision alone is already a step in a new direction.

The Struggle is Real!

True confessions...
I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Yesterday seemed especially difficult to navigate, yet I wasn't quite sure why. I just knew that I was feeling more tired than usual and definitely less motivated, yet not because of a lack of sleep or not practicing healthy self-care. This was different. This was more of a soul tired. Perhaps you can relate?

I think that this funk has been coming and going and in a sense even building over the last four months. It has been mostly subtle and at times even stealthy, and that's a big part of why it often goes unnoticed. Well, that and the fact that I truly have so many blessings to be eternally grateful for: my family, my friends, my business, my home, my health, my resources, and the list goes on. So, when I would feel myself sliding down the slippery slope of distress, I would immediately switch to gratitude for all the wonderful people and circumstances of my life. Sounds like a great strategy to refocus attention, doesn't it?

But hold on a minute. Was I practicing authentic heartfelt gratitude OR was I trying to ignore the not-so-great things that were happening?  Hmmmmmm...I'll let you decide.

Some things I acknowledged. For example, last week, I sent out not one, but four sympathy cards! Add to that the fact that my sweet sister-in-law is nearing the end of her struggle with brain cancer. It's only a matter of waiting now. There's nothing more to do. That's enough to explain the funk, but even that wasn't all of it. I woke up this morning in that funk again, but this time it was more at the surface just waiting for release. So, release it I did.

I got up before my husband and he joined me for our morning coffee. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He asked what was going on and I knew I had to let it out. It started out as talking about my frustration with things not getting done around the house. From there it progressed to feeling frustrated with other issues until I hit on the "big ones" - the pandemic, the political climate, the racial tensions, the violence - all the really major things that are happening around us that we truly have no control over. And that's when the tears started to flow. It wasn't just frustration over it all, it was truly a deep grief - grief as a feeling of loss for the way life was just four months ago. I am not saying things were perfect or that changes are not needed, I'm just saying that for better and for worse, things will seemingly never be the same. I don't know what the future holds. No one does. No one EVER knows, but somehow when things are going smoothly, there's that part of us that believes we are somehow the exception and that we are somehow in control. But, we're not.

So, now what?
Well, after getting down to feeling, expressing, and through tears - releasing the core emotion of grief, I am ready to move on from here. The problems are still there, but instead of feeling the intense weight of them bearing down on my mind, body, and spirit, I have created a new,  healthier relationship with those problems. I am reminded and possess a more embodied knowing that life is in fact a largely unpredictable mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but now that's ok again. And I know I'm ok. And I know that all that muck can co-exist with gratitude rather than be opposed to it. And today is another day and another chance to make a difference in the world. It may just be in my small corner of reality, but that's ok too. That's life.

I CAN CONTROL my words and my actions. I can make choices that add to the Peace, Love, and Joy in this world. Yes, I can do this, but NOT if my energy is all tied up at any level of denial or getting stuck in any version of the oh so familiar refrain of "This shouldn't be happening" because the truth of the matter is that it is.

I will close by sharing an analogy that came to me years ago about having a meltdown. Candle wax has to be in it's liquefied form in order to be shaped and molded into a beautiful candle that has the capability of bringing a soft light into the darkness. So, next time you have a meltdown, as I did just this morning, don't think of it as a negative thing. Re-frame it as an opportunity to mold yourself anew so that you too can bring yourself, your talents, energy, and resources more fully into this world and to shine even more brightly than you did before.

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. it really is better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the darkness. Amen to that!