Stay in Your "Circle of Influence"

The term "Circle of Influence" comes from Stephen Covey's classic book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Although it has been many years since I first read it, I distinctly remember the impact it had on me as it and continues to have on me as well. Reading the book precipitated a number of a-ha moments and still does. It is one of those classic books that you can read multiple times and the content sinks in at a deeper level as your own consciousness has expanded along the way. It is a true gem in my personal library.

Covey distinguishes between the Circle of Influence and your Circle of Concern. He has a graphic showing the circle of our concerns as the outer circle and the circle of our influence as the inner circle. One of the fascinating aspects of his work around this concept is that the inner circle actually grows or shrinks in response to how we live our lives, thus being what we CAN exert a degree of influence over. This circle includes such things as choices we make, the words we say, our actions, and even the thoughts we give our time, attention, and credence to. This is indeed the circle that encompasses the key foundational skills that are the basis for all the work I do through Nurture U Life Coaching:

1) Calm Your Life

2) Care for Your Body

3) Grow Your Joy!

All three of those areas are contained within the Circle of Influence and that, my friends, is exactly where we should be spending our life's energy - our greatest resource - to make the greatest impact on ourselves, and the people, circumstances, and events of our lives. In other words, that is how we can enhance our happiness and health and be up for the task of making a meaningful contribution during our time on this planet. I simply cannot stress this fact enough. It is vital to the well-being of society and contributes to the highest good of all concerned including YOU!

Contrast that hope-inspiring picture with spending the bulk of your life hanging out in the Circle of Concern. This outer circle represents all of the things that we are, well...concerned about! These are the really big things that people have dealt with throughout the ages and currently in our society, we have been facing some monumental challenges indeed: the global pandemic, systemic racism, climate change, and violent crime - just to name a few. Those are indeed things that concern us, and should concern us, BUT due to their magnitude, there's only so much we can do. These concerns can lead us to anxiety, depression, a sense of being hopeless victims, and even trigger an almost obsessive rumination on all that is wrong with society and often to the exclusion of the bigger picture that includes all that IS working in our lives and the lives of others.The Circle of Concern also includes a myriad of "little things" we have no control over yet can consume our daily lives such as the weather, clothes left scattered on the floor, the cap not replaced on the tube of toothpaste, people being late, the way people drive, being ignored by a coworker, and obviously this list could go on and on and on, but you get the idea.

So, what are we to do?

Focus the majority of your resources - your time, attention, money, and all else that involves the expenditure of your energy on your Circle of Influence. When you find yourself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, overwhelmed or any such emotions regarding those worries and issues in your Circle of Concern, ask yourself, "What CAN I do about this?" If there is a concrete action you can take?

Is there something you need to say about this issue?  If so, does it need to be expressed to a particular person or group or is it something you just need to share with a trusted friend or even in the privacy of your own journal? Is there a shift in your thinking that would help? Can you offer a prayer and/or send compassionate, loving energy to the person or situation? You get the point. The idea here is to stay out of or shift out of being stuck in reacting to what is happening around you and to choose to be more responsive. That is our power.

So next time you find yourself getting reactive, pause for a moment, take a deep breath and start moving in the direction of being more responsive. This allows you to get into the habit of creating space between a stimulus and your response. As it has been said so many times by so many others (yet it bears repeating)  that is what it means to be responsible - to be responseABLE - able to respond rather than to simply react.

This is an area that will inevitably give us on-going opportunities for growth. It is not something we learn once and then we've got it! No, this is one of those "journey of a lifetime" processes that require us to continue our commitment to becoming more mindful and transforming ourselves and our lives for the betterment of all. 

May you be blessed on this journey. I'm here to support you. 

In the words of Ram Dass, "We're all just walking each other home."

Namaste"

The Struggle is Real!

True confessions...
I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Yesterday seemed especially difficult to navigate, yet I wasn't quite sure why. I just knew that I was feeling more tired than usual and definitely less motivated, yet not because of a lack of sleep or not practicing healthy self-care. This was different. This was more of a soul tired. Perhaps you can relate?

I think that this funk has been coming and going and in a sense even building over the last four months. It has been mostly subtle and at times even stealthy, and that's a big part of why it often goes unnoticed. Well, that and the fact that I truly have so many blessings to be eternally grateful for: my family, my friends, my business, my home, my health, my resources, and the list goes on. So, when I would feel myself sliding down the slippery slope of distress, I would immediately switch to gratitude for all the wonderful people and circumstances of my life. Sounds like a great strategy to refocus attention, doesn't it?

But hold on a minute. Was I practicing authentic heartfelt gratitude OR was I trying to ignore the not-so-great things that were happening?  Hmmmmmm...I'll let you decide.

Some things I acknowledged. For example, last week, I sent out not one, but four sympathy cards! Add to that the fact that my sweet sister-in-law is nearing the end of her struggle with brain cancer. It's only a matter of waiting now. There's nothing more to do. That's enough to explain the funk, but even that wasn't all of it. I woke up this morning in that funk again, but this time it was more at the surface just waiting for release. So, release it I did.

I got up before my husband and he joined me for our morning coffee. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He asked what was going on and I knew I had to let it out. It started out as talking about my frustration with things not getting done around the house. From there it progressed to feeling frustrated with other issues until I hit on the "big ones" - the pandemic, the political climate, the racial tensions, the violence - all the really major things that are happening around us that we truly have no control over. And that's when the tears started to flow. It wasn't just frustration over it all, it was truly a deep grief - grief as a feeling of loss for the way life was just four months ago. I am not saying things were perfect or that changes are not needed, I'm just saying that for better and for worse, things will seemingly never be the same. I don't know what the future holds. No one does. No one EVER knows, but somehow when things are going smoothly, there's that part of us that believes we are somehow the exception and that we are somehow in control. But, we're not.

So, now what?
Well, after getting down to feeling, expressing, and through tears - releasing the core emotion of grief, I am ready to move on from here. The problems are still there, but instead of feeling the intense weight of them bearing down on my mind, body, and spirit, I have created a new,  healthier relationship with those problems. I am reminded and possess a more embodied knowing that life is in fact a largely unpredictable mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly, but now that's ok again. And I know I'm ok. And I know that all that muck can co-exist with gratitude rather than be opposed to it. And today is another day and another chance to make a difference in the world. It may just be in my small corner of reality, but that's ok too. That's life.

I CAN CONTROL my words and my actions. I can make choices that add to the Peace, Love, and Joy in this world. Yes, I can do this, but NOT if my energy is all tied up at any level of denial or getting stuck in any version of the oh so familiar refrain of "This shouldn't be happening" because the truth of the matter is that it is.

I will close by sharing an analogy that came to me years ago about having a meltdown. Candle wax has to be in it's liquefied form in order to be shaped and molded into a beautiful candle that has the capability of bringing a soft light into the darkness. So, next time you have a meltdown, as I did just this morning, don't think of it as a negative thing. Re-frame it as an opportunity to mold yourself anew so that you too can bring yourself, your talents, energy, and resources more fully into this world and to shine even more brightly than you did before.

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. it really is better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the darkness. Amen to that!