Back to Basics: Adulting 101

In her groundbreaking book The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron refers to the work of Mary Rothbart of the University of Oregon on human development and temperament. As adults, we are capable of using the power of reason to make choices, consciously direct our attention, and exert our willpower to follow through on our decisions and commitments. As the title so clearly states, this is absolutely nothing new at this point. It is a statement of basic common knowledge about how to successfully navigate adulthood. So what's the problem? We all at some point get hijacked and start to doubt these truths that while proven by research, are really quite self-evident.

Why the doubt?

How many times have you set out to achieve some goal or complete a long overdue project with great enthusiasm only to find yourself ready to throw in the towel when you come up against the first obstacle or two? I'm guessing you can relate. I know I can! At those times, it seems that reason, choice, and willpower have left the station and there you are metaphorically standing on the platform wondering what just happened and perhaps even feeling abandoned. Of course, in this case, you haven't really been abandoned by anyone or anything but honestly, self-abandonment can feel even worse. 

Each time throughout our lives that we encounter difficulties, the way we handle them is largely based on our conditioning and past experiences. The deepest level of our conditioning took place BEFORE we reached the age of reason. We were conditioned to believe certain things about ourselves, our family, other people, and the world and life in general. At this young age, we were literally like little sponges soaking up everything we saw, heard, felt, and experienced. Because we did not have the skills to evaluate and filter these experiences, we simply absorbed them as is. In other words, our conditioning reflects the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of those around us, NOT our preferences and choices. And that is the start of the inner conflict. As this sets the stage, our experiences begin to both reflect and reinforce our early conditioning.

When what we are experiencing in life is not reflective of what we SAY we want, it is often due to our programming. Let's be honest, that is not always the case. As we know, we are not in control of other people, circumstances, and events that surround and befall us. So, let's not get caught up in magical thinking or quibbling over every cosmic quandary, but rather let's focus on what we CAN DO which is to deal with those persistent inherited beliefs about what we can and cannot do, the shoulds, oughts, and musts, and all the rest that keep us feeling stuck. We can loosen the grip of the past and begin to feel more freedom in the present by identifying that negative prior programming and choosing anew that which will truly reflect who we are and what we want to do with this one wild and precious life as Mary Oliver poetically refers to it.

That's why I have always been a "different kind of coach with a decidedly different approach!" After first getting my coaching credentials, I realized that I needed another way to help my clients get unstuck from ingrained habits and beliefs in order to be happy, healthy, and live a life that matters. That's why I went on to be trained in hypnotherapy and to study meditation through my yoga teacher training. That provided me with the ability to expertly guide my clients through relaxation and meditation to tap into the power of the mind-body-spirit connection in the process of change to access inner wisdom, heal and release the past, and commit to inspired action in the present. It is truly an amazingly effective process that I feel humbled and privileged to be a part of.

So, in order to get back to the basics of adulting and exercise the power of reason, choice, and will, we need to do some work to clear out the old in order to welcome the new. Growth and healing our energy is indeed possible. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you on your continued journey of wholeness.

Be well. Be blessed. And do what needs to be done.

Stay in Your "Circle of Influence"

The term "Circle of Influence" comes from Stephen Covey's classic book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Although it has been many years since I first read it, I distinctly remember the impact it had on me as it and continues to have on me as well. Reading the book precipitated a number of a-ha moments and still does. It is one of those classic books that you can read multiple times and the content sinks in at a deeper level as your own consciousness has expanded along the way. It is a true gem in my personal library.

Covey distinguishes between the Circle of Influence and your Circle of Concern. He has a graphic showing the circle of our concerns as the outer circle and the circle of our influence as the inner circle. One of the fascinating aspects of his work around this concept is that the inner circle actually grows or shrinks in response to how we live our lives, thus being what we CAN exert a degree of influence over. This circle includes such things as choices we make, the words we say, our actions, and even the thoughts we give our time, attention, and credence to. This is indeed the circle that encompasses the key foundational skills that are the basis for all the work I do through Nurture U Life Coaching:

1) Calm Your Life

2) Care for Your Body

3) Grow Your Joy!

All three of those areas are contained within the Circle of Influence and that, my friends, is exactly where we should be spending our life's energy - our greatest resource - to make the greatest impact on ourselves, and the people, circumstances, and events of our lives. In other words, that is how we can enhance our happiness and health and be up for the task of making a meaningful contribution during our time on this planet. I simply cannot stress this fact enough. It is vital to the well-being of society and contributes to the highest good of all concerned including YOU!

Contrast that hope-inspiring picture with spending the bulk of your life hanging out in the Circle of Concern. This outer circle represents all of the things that we are, well...concerned about! These are the really big things that people have dealt with throughout the ages and currently in our society, we have been facing some monumental challenges indeed: the global pandemic, systemic racism, climate change, and violent crime - just to name a few. Those are indeed things that concern us, and should concern us, BUT due to their magnitude, there's only so much we can do. These concerns can lead us to anxiety, depression, a sense of being hopeless victims, and even trigger an almost obsessive rumination on all that is wrong with society and often to the exclusion of the bigger picture that includes all that IS working in our lives and the lives of others.The Circle of Concern also includes a myriad of "little things" we have no control over yet can consume our daily lives such as the weather, clothes left scattered on the floor, the cap not replaced on the tube of toothpaste, people being late, the way people drive, being ignored by a coworker, and obviously this list could go on and on and on, but you get the idea.

So, what are we to do?

Focus the majority of your resources - your time, attention, money, and all else that involves the expenditure of your energy on your Circle of Influence. When you find yourself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, overwhelmed or any such emotions regarding those worries and issues in your Circle of Concern, ask yourself, "What CAN I do about this?" If there is a concrete action you can take?

Is there something you need to say about this issue?  If so, does it need to be expressed to a particular person or group or is it something you just need to share with a trusted friend or even in the privacy of your own journal? Is there a shift in your thinking that would help? Can you offer a prayer and/or send compassionate, loving energy to the person or situation? You get the point. The idea here is to stay out of or shift out of being stuck in reacting to what is happening around you and to choose to be more responsive. That is our power.

So next time you find yourself getting reactive, pause for a moment, take a deep breath and start moving in the direction of being more responsive. This allows you to get into the habit of creating space between a stimulus and your response. As it has been said so many times by so many others (yet it bears repeating)  that is what it means to be responsible - to be responseABLE - able to respond rather than to simply react.

This is an area that will inevitably give us on-going opportunities for growth. It is not something we learn once and then we've got it! No, this is one of those "journey of a lifetime" processes that require us to continue our commitment to becoming more mindful and transforming ourselves and our lives for the betterment of all. 

May you be blessed on this journey. I'm here to support you. 

In the words of Ram Dass, "We're all just walking each other home."

Namaste"