Keep Calm and Be Fabulous

 

Well...it's been a while, hasn't it? 

I needed to step away and recenter myself. In other words, I had to practice what I preach!

In fact, my time away helped to solidify my mission in a way that allows me to come back even stronger.

You see, I have always been a very driven, motivated person. I have always valued setting and achieving ambitious goals, and honestly, it comes quite naturally to me in spite of all of the hard work involved. This has been what has led to my greatest successes in life, both professionally and personally. However, as with all strengths, our gifts can turn into our Achilles heel and end up as an obstacle to the deep sense of satisfaction that comes from being our authentic self and living a life we love.

Let me elaborate...

As a Type A personality who is programmed to achieve, I am prone to burnout. On top of that, I am an Empath who feels things deeply and has a tendency to take on the burdens of the people, circumstances, and events that surround me. Combined, those two qualities can cause me a whole lot of trouble if I'm not intentional with my energy and self-care. So yes, as you may have surmised, that's exactly how Nurture U came to be. We teach what we have most needed to learn, and in my opinion, will always continue to learn. Holistic growth and development is truly the journey of a lifetime - never a "one and done!"

That said, the lesson I keep coming back to is the need for balance. Without balance, we can find ourselves feeling batted around by the swing of the pendulum from one extreme to another. In other words, we overwork then crash, overwork then crash and get caught in a vicious cycle that leads to exhaustion. Unfortunately, sometimes we may even suffer from various physical symptoms that clamor for our attention when we ignore the need for rest. As someone who has been there, done that more times than I care to admit, I know all too well that we must all seek a better way to live. For me, that way was captured when I repeatedly heard this pithy advice from a variety of sources over a short period of time that what we need is "consistency over intensity." That really hit home. Simple wisdom that provides for practical application. Love it!

So, the answer is NOT to seek refuge from the stress of life in some mountaintop retreat or shut yourself down, numb yourself out, or wall yourself off. The answer is NOT that you should give up, give in, or give out. The answer IS to find a new way to work and live. I call that "The Path Less Pondered." That is the path your True Self can follow that is filled with passion and purpose. It is the path that combines the 3 necessary attributes of Being Peaceful, Positive, and Productive. If you leave out any one of them, you will inevitably lose your effectiveness and joy - maybe not all at once, but it will be eroded over time. So, no matter how challenging life may be at any given time, keep bringing yourself back to The Path cultivating Peace, Positivity, and Productivity. The exact recipe of how those 3 must be combined will vary according to circumstances and that's where balance comes in. Again, it's not a one-time thing, but rather a dynamic process that keeps you on track and headed in the right direction. 

In closing, please know that it is my passion, my purpose, and my privilege to accompany you on this journey of healing and wholeness. Please don't hesitate to reach out for the support you need to Nurture U. As always, heed the words of my well worn mug pictured above: Keep Calm and Be Fabulous!

Prioritize Positivity

 

If there's one thing I have learned in over six decades on this planet, it's the importance of breaking out of our conditioning to live a life of choice. As stated on both my website and my business cards, we need to "STOP living by default and START living by design!" What could be more worthy of our time and attention than that?? Yet, if you are like most of us, you may at times find yourself just plodding along on autopilot without much consideration of where you are headed or if you're finding any enjoyment along the way. No wonder so many people feel like they are just surviving rather than empowered and thriving. So what are we to do? Prioritize Positivity. Let's start with that.

If you've even dabbled in the self help and personal development world, you have likely heard that both Neuroscience and Positive Psychology have helped to flesh out well researched evidence that it pays to be positive. I for one am thankful for that! It intuitively makes sense that positivity would have benefits, but all of the oversimplified positive thinking has earned the label of being not just ineffective, but rather deemed to be "toxic." Ouch. That right there makes you want to keep your positive thoughts to yourself, huh?

Why has this come about? Because as with anything, when the pendulum swings, it swings to the other extreme and the truth gets obscured in the process so it's time to set the record straight. It's a great big topic covered in scholarly articles, best sellers, and even heavy textbooks. Yes, I find that a bit daunting, but here goes my take on it.

The bottom line is that as we go through life, especially in our earliest years, we quite literally download information based on what we see, hear, feel, and are directly taught to believe. Some of what we have learned is priceless. Some? Not so much. In fact, we all have been exposed to experiences and beliefs that are downright dysfunctional, disempowering, and even destructive to our body, mind, and spirit. Some of this was the result of abuse or neglect, but others came about as a result of well meaning parents, teachers, religious leaders, etc. who were doing what they thought was best based on their knowledge and circumstances. Either way, we end up with a lot of (pardon my language) crap that we picked up along the way and it runs like a computer program in the background of our lives - UNLESS we counteract it through consciously creating what we want more of in our lives.

One of the ways we get tripped up is by what is known as "the negativity bias" of the brain. Yep, the brain gives preferential treatment to anything that is negative and lets the positive just slip on by. Why? Because failure to notice the negative can result in tragedy. Failure to notice the positive does not. So, since it is the brain's job to help us to survive, the focus goes to the negative. In the past this was much more warranted as much of the negative was an actual threat like a wild animal waiting in the bushes to pounce whereas today, what triggers the same response might be the morning commute, a barrage of emails, a looming deadline, and things of that sort. Yes, there are still major threats, but most of what we face is not actually dangerous.

Therefore, as Dr. Rick Hanson says, we need to intentionally "take in the good." He has given many talks on the subject and I highly recommend checking out his work. The Positive Psychology literature is also packed with information about this topic as well. In her Positivity 101 course, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson calls it "Prioritizing Positivity" and I absolutely LOVE THAT! Every day, we have to wake up with the intention to prioritize positivity - not deny the negative or hide it under a façade of sunshine and rainbows, but rather, let's choose to invite more of the positive into our lives, hearts, minds, and our bodies. This is not a happy go lucky woo woo Pollyanna suggestion to opt for rose colored glasses. Instead, this is a hard core evidence based scientific way to start to rewire your brain to be more positive. It might seem too simple to ever make a difference, but IT DOES!

I call it Casting a NET to wire in the positive.

There are just 3 steps:

N - Notice something positive.

E - Enhance your experience of it by taking it in with all of your senses long enough to enjoy it.

T - Take it in. Feel yourself breathe in the experience and imagine it sinking into you at a cellular level.

That's it. A simple investment that pays big dividends. The only thing that could prevent you from making this shift is if you choose not to give it a try. What do you have to lose? (Absolutely nothing!) More importantly, what do you stand to gain?! (A much more positive brain!)

Personally, I'm excited to share this with you and look forward to hearing some amazing results.

Commit to doing this at least once a day for 21 days.

No, it's not magic, but I bet if you do it, it will feel like it is.

Now, go out there and Cast that NET! Enjoy :)

Be sure and let me know how it goes.

Thanks!

Are We Doomed?

Are we doomed?

Definitely not my usual opening line, but hey - sometimes we have to step back, look at our current situation and well...just tell it the way it is! So, what in the world prompted THIS after not blogging or sending out an email in a very long time?? Passion. That's right - PASSION! I have a passion for healthy self care and I am still on a mission to spread the good word that has been the main message of Nurture U since its founding in 2005: "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity." It's time we take that to heart.

What specifically spawned this mini tirade? It was rereading Brene' Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection. In it she reminds us that we need to let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as a measure of self-worth. She goes on to say that what we need more of is to cultivate play and rest, which she states are essential yet countercultural at best. That is IT as far as I'm concerned. That is exactly what I have been teaching and preaching and empowering my clients to do. That also explains why "the struggle is real." 

How long are we going to allow ourselves to continue to be plagued by the ever growing toxic messages of more, better, and faster? How far can we push ourselves before we really start to feel the effects? How many times are we going to compare ourselves to some filtered social media version of reality and feel like once again we are coming up short? You get the picture. It's time to STOP!

Give yourself the time and space to figure out what is really most important to you. How do you really want to spend your time, money, and energy? Who is important in your life and are you cultivating that connection? What are you doing or want to do that is meaningful and contributes to the greater good?

Don't just keep plodding along. 

Stop living by default. Start living by design.

Be happy. Be healthy. Live a Life That Matters. 

Let me know if there's anything I can do to support you along the way.

If you haven't done so already, visit Nurture U Life Coaching online to learn more about what I do to help you to strengthen mind, body, and spirit to change the things you can. Now more than ever, we have to take the steps necessary to avoid getting sucked into the hustle. I'm all for high achievement and success, BUT it needs to be in alignment with your True Self, your deepest values, and allow for balance. 

Life is short. Be sure to live it. 

When I Thought I Might Be Dying

 

It's been awhile since I last wrote, hasn't it? That is rather typical of a pattern in my life that when I am in what I call a major transition, whether that means dealing with changes around me or those that are occurring within me, I tend to limit my writing. So here I am again, which means that I have arrived at a level of deeper clarity and ready to share.

The topic of this post is rather dramatic, so let me start by saying that I'm fine. To make a very long story short, an abnormality was detected in my body that "could be nothing" or "could be serious." The bottom line is after time has passed and tests were done, it was determined that there's no cause for concern. However, in the last year and a half since the whole thing started, there was more than a couple of moments that I considered that perhaps this was "it" for me. This was especially true in the last couple of months when doctors were questioning a questionable finding and recommended a procedure to find out if this could be cancer. Yep - the C word! Although I intuitively felt I was fine, it caused me to consider death as not just something we all have to deal with, but rather as something that was maybe in my near future. Thus the title of the article.

When faced with the possibility of death coming sooner versus later, I found myself in a place of grief and regret, which I know is a typical response. What I found to be most interesting and profound about my experience was the nature of my regret. It wasn't about not having attained a certain level of success or fame or money or even about what I had done or failed to do. Instead, it was a deep sorrow at having taken so long to simply BE WHO I AM.

So, who am I that I somehow rejected along the way and worked to heal and reclaim?

For one thing, I am a Highly Sensitive Person. That means I take in a whole lot of sensory data all day every day. I process it all deeply. I feel it deeply. I sense the subtleties other people don't notice. Quite frankly, it means that sometimes the world feels as if it is moving too fast, is too loud, and often too bright. This can lead me to feeling more easily stressed, overstimulated, and even overwhelmed. The key word in that sentence is CAN. I can also choose to avoid a great deal of the "problems" associated with this trait and accentuate the gifts simply by practicing healthy self care on a daily basis to give my body, mind, and spirit what it needs to thrive. 

This sounds simple, but it isn't always easy. And you know what the number one thing is that gets in the way? It's not time, it's not responsibilities - it's judgment and lack of self acceptance and compassion. Because 80% of the population is not Highly Sensitive, at times it has made me feel different and unfortunately, when we feel different, we can equate that with being deficient and therefore defective. In that case, we may work extra hard to keep up, fit in, and cast our needs and preferences aside even if that means having migraines and being sick all the time as I once was. At least then we have a socially acceptable excuse for taking downtime.

You may or may not be an HSP as I am, but trust me, everyone at some point masks who they truly are for fear of judgment. Take another of my traits that you may or may not relate to - I'm an Introvert. What that means is that I have a natural preference for low stimulation environments. I would much rather meet a friend for lunch in a quiet place where we could enjoy deep conversation than go to a large gathering and make small talk. I need to psyche myself up to be in the right mood to go to a concert or out to a bar to dance the night away, whereas I savor a quiet evening at home with my husband and kitty watching something funny on TV. It's not all that I do, but the quiet activities are what I need more of in my life. Again, there's absolutely nothing wrong with introversion versus extroversion, but I happen to live in a place and a time where extroversion is considered to be more the ideal. The big, bold personalities such as a Tony Robbins are held up as the example we "should" strive for. While I do enjoy being around people, going places, and doing fun things, I just need a bit more silence and solitude to refresh and renew my energy, whereas extraverts renew their energy by the activities I need to recover from. And that's ok - I just need to honor who I am and what I need and not make myself "wrong" for doing so. You need to do that too.

You see how this works? It's all good. There's no right or wrong when it comes to these traits. There are a myriad of other ways to understand ourselves better too like the 16 Myers Briggs Personalities, Astrology, the Enneagram Types, the Ayurveda doshas, Type A/Type B, and the list goes on. As Socrates so adeptly stated: To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom. All of these things can be helpful to us. Clearly information is good, but information does not necessarily lead to transformation and that is where the proverbial pearl of great price is found.

And that is what leads me back to the quote at the top by e e cummings:

"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are!"

Ironically, the older I get and the more experience I have working with my beautiful clients, the more I have come to know that so much of the self help and personal development field has gotten it wrong. Way too many people get stuck on the never ending treadmill of chasing goals, continual self improvement, and constantly needing change instead of having the recognition that much of what they are seeking (if not all) is within them already. That's why I love what Michelangelo said about his sculpture: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." That's how I have come to view so much of my life and the work that I do with others. I only wish I had seen it sooner. Better late than never, but I know that I can use that lesson to fuel my passion and purpose for helping others to do the same. All things work together for the good.

I hope that this does not come across as too heady or esoteric as it is truly coming from my heart to yours. My intention is to inspire you to embrace this message and to step more fully into WHO YOU REALLY ARE. I hope that you can not only reclaim the parts of you that you may have rejected, but also come to celebrate yourself in your uniqueness. 

As always, remember that "Healthy self care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity!"

In order to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters, you must give yourself the self acceptance, self love, and self compassion that will allow you to practice the self care that YOU NEED TO THRIVE - especially if it is different than what others may need - and not feel guilty or defective for doing so. 

If you are in need of support to BE YOUR TRUE SELF, please know that help is available.

It's time to Nurture U!

The Irony of Healthy Self-Care

 

I so love this picture of me holding my sweet granddaughter. You can almost feel the intensity of the awe that I was experiencing with her in my arms! This was taken over 10 years ago and I'm still in awe of the blessing of being a grandma.

So, what does this have to do with healthy self-care? Literally everything! 

Here goes...

Nurture U is all about how to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. That is the Power Triad for a successful and meaningful life. All three work together synergistically and if one of the elements is missing, it makes it more difficult to have the other two. That's why the tagline for my coaching practice since I founded the business in 2005 has been "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity!" 

Think about this beautiful baby girl in my arms. You can see her gentle smile and her relaxed closed eyes.(Side note: look at the hand mudras. She has always struck me as a wise old soul, but I digress.) Clearly she is well fed, comfortable, and deeply contented. As a result, her emotions are calm, she is able to rest and sleep, and she is NOT NEEDY.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like an amazing state of being to me.

And guess what?

We can help ourselves to enjoy and be soothed by this same level of care too.

And the result of choosing to do so?

We too can be well fed, more comfortable, content, calm, able to rest and sleep, and perhaps the most important thing - not needy - and THAT my friend is where the irony comes in.

Oh, how many times do we think or feel that healthy self-care, rest, joyful activities, time alone in nature, etc. are somehow frivolous or God forbid even selfish! Or we give ourselves these things, sometimes out of desperation to survive day to day, but even then our beautiful acts of self love, self compassion, and self-care end up tainted with guilt or the restless feeling that we "should" be doing something else. Seriously - STOP THAT! We all need to know that it's not only OK to take good care of our body, mind, and spirit, it's actually for the best and highest good of all concerned - including us! Nurture U is not about "me first" - it's about "ME TOO!"

What is the result of this healthy self-care?

The bottom line is that as we make it a priority to give ourselves what we need to thrive, it makes us LESS SELF FOCUSED, LESS SELF CENTERED, AND LESS SELFISH. It allows us to feel our best and therefore do our best. We are able to be more present to our loved ones, our responsibilities, our jobs, etc. We feel more calm and responsive, less stressed and reactive. We have more energy. We enjoy more balance. And the list goes on...

So, the irony of healthy self-care is that it epitomizes the reality that "It's not all about you!"

Think about it. Who would YOU rather be? The tired, crabby, negative, needy person or the well rested, calm, happy, person who is able to go out and live, love, and serve. While obviously we can't control everything that contributes to being the best version of ourselves that we can be, we sure can choose what we think, say, and do. That really is up to you! You've got this!!!

Change the things YOU CAN!

The Most Important Freedom

FREEDOM!

Now there's a "Hot Topic" these days, huh? It seems like everyone is questioning freedom. Rights that we once thought were sacrosanct are now being threatened and/or lost. That said, what I find to be a most curious sociological phenomena is that regarding a myriad of issues, what one group of people is deeming as a loss of freedom, another group of people is claiming as a victory. Let's just say that things are very complicated these days and I'm not going to go there.

What I am most wanting us to preserve at a time of civil and political unrest is our Personal Freedom. Even though there are times that we are reactive and are triggered based on our past programming and experiences, WE REALLY DO HAVE THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE WHAT WE SAY AND WHAT WE DO. Where that gets tricky is that what we say and what we do comes from what we are thinking and feeling. Thoughts trigger feelings, and feelings in turn affect what we say and do. This can create a downward spiral of doom that leaves us feeling like a victim trapped by negative circumstances, people, and events or it can be a wonderful source of healing and affirmation that leads us in the direction of greater happiness, health, and success. So, in order to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, we really do need to get a better handle on our thoughts as the powerful influence in our lives that they are. 

Even though we can't always choose our thoughts and feelings, we can however become more aware of them as the messengers they are intended to be. For example, thoughts and feelings alert us to potential threats, whether real or imagined, and it is our job to figure out which is which as we grow in conscious awareness of what we are thinking and feeling and the energy behind it all. Our thoughts and feelings also serve to inform us of the wounds of the past that we have carried into the present. This truly is an on-going journey for all of us. As it has been said, there really is no end to personal and spiritual growth and development. The beauty of growing in conscious awareness is that we can then choose which of our thoughts to give our attention to - those coming from the energy of Love that are for our best and highest good or those coming from the energy of fear, limitation, and doubt that are in need of processing and healing. This is where the Law of Attraction and the Law of Vibration come into play. Although we certainly don't control everything in our lives, where we choose to place our attention and the energy we are broadcasting are definitely and strongly influencing the direction of every area of our lives. So, when I say we can "choose our thoughts" that is what I am referring to, not the idea that we can control them all. (By the way, as someone trained in the fields of sociology, psychology, and education, I absolutely love that scientific research is now able to explain and validate many of these ancient principles that some people still write off as "woo woo" and New Age nonsense!) 

On a personal note, you may have noticed that it has been quite a while since my last article. There's a reason for that. As I continued to focus on growing and expanding my business to be of highest service to more people, I found myself turning to "the experts" in the field and spending far too much of my time, energy, and money investing in their knowledge, courses, coaching, books, groups, and ways of doing things instead of trusting myself, my mission, and my intuition. So after going down way too many rabbit holes, I am coming back to the ultimate freedom - The Freedom to BE ME! How ironic that this is a big part of what I help my clients to do on a daily basis. We really do teach what we most need to learn - and I am ok admitting that. We are all a work in progress. 

That's why it is important when seeking help to change your habits and ultimately your life that you work with someone who truly values YOU and YOUR PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT. That way, you have the benefit of working with someone who will facilitate programs and sessions that allow you to feel in charge of your life rather than being dependent on them. Like me, you may still get tripped up in viewing even good advice as "shoulds, musts, and oughts," but if you are working to heal that pattern and find the right person or people to support your process, it will always lead you back to your own inner wisdom.

May you be blessed with the inner freedom to follow your own unique path to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. Please let me know what I can do to continue to support you along the way. 

 

When Did Rest Become Countercultural?

That's a question that we as a society need to seriously ask ourselves. When DID rest become countercultural AND perhaps even more importantly, WHY do we allow that to be the prevailing narrative that we all feel obliged to succumb to?!?! That's quite a big question to address. Plus, anyone who knows me knows that I tend toward being a tad (ok - more than a tad) wordy. That said, I am set to tackle this in as few words as possible in the interest of time knowing that ironically, that is a huge part of the issue. So here goes...

In spite of all our advances in technology and all of the various gizmos, gadgets, and appliances to make our lives easier and to free up our time, it seems to me that it hasn't had that effect. In fact, sometimes I think the pursuit of it all related to the more, better, faster mentality actually causes some of us to pick up the pace, keep going when our energy is waning, and ignore the signals sent by our body, mind, and spirit that we need to slow down, take a deep breath, stretch, or take a short break and walk around - even if it's just to refill our water bottle so we can stay hydrated to better focus on the task at hand. In essence, even our "breaks" are designed to be a quick way to get back into the grind and keep grinding away.

Sound familiar? It sure does to me! Striving for balance has been the on-going story of my life. Yep, it's true. We teach what we have most needed to learn and even keep learning! We are all a work in progress. Thankfully, I have learned a lot along the way out of sheer necessity and desperation, so that is why I'm so passionate about sharing it with others. Maybe, just maybe, something I say will click for you and help you to create a shift. (And by the way, I LOVE to hear about it when that happens, so please don't hesitate to reply and let me know what resonates for you.)

Here's the thing - I have sounded like a broken record since 2005 repeating the same message over and over again: "Healthy self-care is NOT a luxury; it's a necessity." That summarizes the gist of what we need to do to set the foundation to be happy, be healthy, and live a life that matters. So when it comes to putting it into practice, what stops us? And furthermore, what can we do to move past those blocks?

Like so many things in life, the answer is simple but not easy. Many of us are heart-centered people who long to make a positive difference in the world. We find that because of our desire to be there for others, we put ourselves, our needs, and our desires on the back burner. Sometimes, we may actually feel guilty or fear that we are being selfish and letting others down when we take time out for ourselves. What will they think? 

On the other hand, many of us are "Type A" individuals who are driven to high achievement and success. We love to meet new challenges, complete exciting projects, and crave that feeling of accomplishment we get in moving forward with our goals in all areas of life including our career and finances. 

And then - God forbid - there are those of us who fall into BOTH categories. Yep, that's me.

For as long as I can remember, I was an enigma even to myself as I went through life with one foot on the gas and the other on the accelerator. I was the one who ping ponged between the 2 extremes of the stress response. I literally was living in survival mode bouncing from periods of fight to periods of flight. I'd be out there "crushing it" only to find that I was crushing myself in the process and needed to retreat for a period of time to recover. How long of a retreat I needed depended on the level of depletion I allowed to occur before I crashed. Ugh! That is no way to live. I suffered from digestive issues, migraines, frequent infections, aches, pains, and even got mono at one point. The struggle was real!

Why did this happen? Because for a myriad of reasons  - including the real world responsibilities of working, raising a child, meeting expenses, taking care of the house, and all of the other demands of living - I was putting out so much energy without replenishing that I was burning out fast. Thankfully, I was able to come back from this and commit to restoring a strong foundation of healthy self-care which I now know and respect as essential for all I want to be and do! Healthy self-care doesn't stop you from that - it's the path to getting you there! 

I am so far from perfect - and I'm ok with that. As the saying goes, "Perfection is the enemy of the good." However, I do practice what I preach. I incorporate the 4 Keys to Nurture U into my life. I set healthy boundaries around my time and energy to get back into balance. I give myself enough time and space to feel like I have "breathing room." I have daily downtime to help me process the events of the day and renew my energy. I do what I need to do to feel calm, confident, and connected to the greater energy and purpose of my life. I listen to uplifting, transformational audios, including hypnosis and guided meditations. I stay hydrated and eat a well-balanced plant based diet. I enjoy mindful movement, especially my walks in the woods. Lastly, the older I get the more I realize the importance of cultivating joy, whether in the simple pleasures and tasks of daily life like relishing a nice hot shower at the end of the day or the bigger blessings of spending cherished time with family and friends - including my favorite furry feline BFF Bella. It's all GOOD! Now, isn't it time to Nurture U?

Well, I probably exceeded my intended number of words already, but suffice it to say that if I have gotten across the message that rest and healthy self-care are NOT the opposite of productivity, but rather the prerequisite, then I'm ok with that. I'm guessing that if you are still reading, then you are too.

Please let me know your thoughts on the topic. 

Also, as always, let me know if there's anything I can do to support you along the way. 

Wishing you wellness,

Mary Ellen